Planting stuff in my “garden” the last week and it is in quotes because well, you should just see it. It is not much of a garden. So many things in my world are in process and it can be frustrating, heck it has been frustrating. But then in the last month, I am not sure what wave of maturity (or apathy) came over me but suddenly I just embraced the processes.
As much as I champion transparency I believe I have fallen prey to the system as much as anyone else. Often pretending I am further along in life that I really am. Like I have things more together than other people, and listen, it isn’t because I am ashamed of the fact my husband and I are on a very tight budget and therefore things happen more slowly and so my home/garden/life progress like molasses. It is a pressure from the industry or pressure of professionalism to keep everything looking relatively perfect? But not perfect, because people see right through that. More of a, imperfectly perfect facade. Which is more exhausting than projecting perfection because you have to let people in with the constant internal struggle of, “did I let them in too much?”. Like I mentioned in my last post, this year is going to be an exploration of the boundaries and limitations of this blog. Who is reading this? Can I share deeply personal (ok maybe just personal because people who share deeply on blogs just need a therapist and I already have one of those) thoughts? Do I care? Shit I do care because I have to because I have to make a living. I just sighed outloud.
This social media world we have access to is so wild and fascinating and bizarre and damaging. The rules seem to change faster than I can follow. I got my first smart phone when I was 20 and downloaded instagram shortly after. I was on there posting about flowers for couple years before anyone took notice, and then they did. Which in a succinct way happened as a whirlwind combination of emailing anyone and everyone willing to give me a chance (2 out of the 200 randomly deciding to give it to me) plus I guess right place right time right photos? Hard work and stupid luck. As much as I am forever grateful for it, it also seems a bit wrong. Seems like prior to this era people had to work a lot harder to be recognized whereas now virtually anyone can be a pseudo-celebrity. Is this true or just my perception… I often spend time considering the benefit and cost analysis to having access to success too early in your career.
Did you know David Bowie released his first album Space Oddity when he was 22? Was in his first band at 15 and wow I have not been working on anything for that long. While I am not anywhere near the clout of DB (lol) it feels like I came upon some growth and opportunity very early in this journey with relatively few years put into it and in some ways feel not ready to show the world what I am doing. I thank and blame social media for this. So much of the work I produce still does not align with what I imagine in my head, far from it. BUT in many ways I fell into this “stupid luck” and I’m going to see this through, wherever that is.